Carpe Diem: A Thought Provoking Contemplation on Death

In my graduate class, "17th Century Literature:  Sex, Death and Salvation," we are reading poetry from the late 1500's to through the mid 1600's. Currently we are reading poetry by the Cavalier poets (written mainly in the early to mid 1600's). Cavalier poets used direct language and imagery to express the idea of "Carpe Diem" (seize the day). "Their poetry tended to follow classical models of elegance, and was written in support of wine, women, and the carefree life."* With the theme of Carpe Diem permeating their poetry, the Cavalier poets must have a unique concept of life and what happens after death. The assignment I was given was to answer the following questions about death before reading the assigned poems for the week. I'm not sure what the connection with the poetry is yet, but I will find out. Below are the questions and answers.

 The silver lining about death is cliche; it makes you appreciate life. However, appreciating life is not cliche at all, in fact it is something people forget to do all the time. There is so much to appreciate and embrace in life on a daily basis if we take the time to slow down, look around and take it all in.

1.  What do you believe happens at death? (i.e. is death the end of personal existence? is there life after death? is life cyclical, as in reincarnation). What are your beliefs based on/grounded in?

I do not believe in life after death. I want to, but I just don’t right now. I believe everyone has one opportunity to live and when it ends, it is over. However, I do partake in letting myself think that people that have died still linger and “watch over us.” I sometimes find myself thinking that some of the people in my life that have died still have feelings and emotions. People say all the time “so and so” would have been proud of you, or happy for you, or whatever the case may be. I too think those same things sometimes. For me, those thoughts are merely comforts grounded in memories. It is the memories of the people that linger. It is the experiences and knowledge of the person who has died that allows me to think, they would have been happy or proud of me. Do I really think they can see what is happening? Unfortunately, I do not think so.

My beliefs were initially grounded in my exposure to religion early on in my life. My father grew up in a Protestant home, but he never expressed any religious beliefs to our immediate family. I don’t think he embraced religion at all and that maybe it was merely forced upon him as a child. My mother grew up in a large Catholic family. Her mother worked and sang in the church. My mother’s family attended Mass every Sunday. My mother, out of duty I think, raised us Catholic. My extended family went to Mass regularly and I would attend church with them when I would visit for vacations. However, my family rarely went to Church. My brothers and sister and I were baptized, christened and sent to CCD (Confraternity of Christian Doctrine), which was a Catholic youth education program in our town once a week. I often skipped out on it. I never went through with my confirmation. Since, my relationship with the Church has vacillated. I would go to Mass sometimes on my own during high school and early college. When a friend was killed by a drunk driver sophomore year of college, I stopped going to Mass altogether. I drifted far away from organized religion. The only time I step foot in church now is for weddings and funerals.

Since I have moved away from organized religion, I have also moved away from the notions of an after life in the form of Heaven, Hell and Purgatory. I guess over time the theory of evolution, and the notions of adaptation and biology have permeated my beliefs about life and death. Right now, I think of think of things tangibly. Evolution makes sense to me, and rings true for me and thus my understanding of it informs my beliefs about death. 

Through various life experiences and relationships with people both deeply invested in the Catholic Church and others who are not, I currently sit in a place where religion has no real place in my life. However, I am a spiritual person. I believe in doing good and being good to others. I believe in helping and extending yourself to those in need whenever possible. I believe that it is a human duty to be your best, do your best and give your best. The South African principle of ubuntu has guided me since the day I heard it. As Archbishop of South Africa, Desmond Tutu explains: 

"Ubuntu is a concept that we have in our Bantu languages at home. Ubuntu is the essence of being a person. It means that we are people through other people. We cannot be fully human alone. We are made for interdependence, we are made for family. When you have ubuntu, you embrace others. You are generous, compassionate. If the world had more ubuntu, we would not have war. We would not have this huge gap between the rich and the poor. You are rich so that you can make up what is lacking for others. You are powerful so that you can help the weak, just as a mother or father helps their children. This is God's dream."

Ultimately, I believe that if you are a good person then you will lead a good life worth celebrating when it is over. If you are a good person, you will live forever in the memories of those people you impacted along the way. I guess there is a sense of longing for immortality when I think about what happens after death. However, the only immortality I see is that of memories, but not even memories can last forever. 

2.  How frequently do you think of death? When you think of it, do you most often consider your own death or the death of others or both? How do these thoughts make you feel? If you haven’t spent much time thinking about death, why do you think that is?

I think of death often. I do a fair amount of considering my own death, but mainly I think a lot about the death of aging family members. When I think about my own death I get anxious. I feel like I can’t die yet because I have not even come close to fulfilling my dreams or my goals. What young person that has died was able to fulfill his or her dreams or goals though? Thinking about my own death, in some odd way motivates me. When I think about my death, I feel grounded and better in touch with what is really important to me. When I think about others dying, it is painful. I have felt that pain before and there is no way to prepare for it. Again, in some way, thinking about other’s deaths brings the important things in life back into focus. I try not to dwell on the pain it will cause and instead let it inspire me to make meaningful memories with all my loved ones every chance I get.

3.  If you had to personify Death, how would you do so? (What would death look like? Male? Female? Sexless? Beautiful? Horrifying? etc.)

I guess I have never thought about personifying Death before. Initially I go back to my Catholic upbringing and I associate Death more with a Satan figure than a heavenly figure. To me, Death is a thief. Often times, I think of Death as heartless and greedy. I do not think of Death as something scary, but instead something too powerful. The closest thing I can think of that would personify Death the way I see it is the Grim Reaper. I do not fear the Grim Reaper, but I hate it (not him or her).

4.  How well acquainted with death are you? Are you intimately acquainted? Strangers to each other? Casual acquaintances? Enemies? Friends? Summarize your attitude towards/relationship with death.

I would say I have a casual acquaintance with death. I have been lucky in the sense that I have not lost many people that I have been close to. However, I have seen many of my close friends and family loose people they are extremely close to. These experiences have brought me within a measured distance of the pain, anger and grief death brings. The loss of a high school friend still haunts me at times. I think about him often. I think about what he would be like now, what his life would be like and what our friendship would be like. I think I will always look at a death as an enemy and a thief.

5.  How prepared do you believe you are for your own death? The death of those close to you? What have you done/might you do you to make you feel more prepared?

I believe I am completely unprepared for my own death and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I am 25 years old. Preparing for my death at my age is morbid. I don’t have any savings or own any property. I don’t have any children, so there are none of those preparations to be made. As I get older and start a family, I will start making necessary preparations, but until then I like being unprepared.

I also feel completely unprepared for the death of people close to me. I try to tell myself that if someone close to me dies, I cannot let myself fall into a black hole of grief. I suppose I tell myself this because that is exactly what I think I will do. How do you know what you will do when someone really close to you dies, if you have not lost anyone really close to you before? For me, preparations are futile. Mental preparations and reminders may be comforting now and again, but I don’t think you can really prepare yourself for death (yours or someone else’s). The only way I can say that I have prepared for my death is through broad conversations with family and close friends. They know me and they will know what to do if I die. They will know what I want.

6.  Have you given any thought to your own funeral and disposal of your body? If so, what kinds of things have seemed important to you? If not, why not?

I have talked very broadly about my funeral and disposal of my body with my partner. We agree that you never know what can happen, so it is good to know what the other person wants. The problem is I don’t know what I want. Sometimes I think I want to be buried and other times I want to be cremated. Sometimes I feel vain and want a typical funeral filled with mourners and a headstone for people to visit. Deep down I think I want people to gather and celebrate my life at a party outdoors. I think I might want to be cremated and have my ashes spread at Lake Winnipesaukee in New Hampshire. I haven’t committed to either choice. It is important to me that people celebrate my life and not let grief consume their own lives. It is important to me that I am remembered for being a good daughter, sister, friend and partner. I don’t need a legacy, but I want to hold a special place in special people’s hearts. How people choose to deal with my death is personal, but I can only hope that when it is all said in done, my life inspired them a little bit. When they think of me, I want them to smile and I want the memories to bring them comfort.

* (http://www.humanitiesweb.org/human.php?s=l&p=i&a=l&ID=9)

Upon Julia's Clothes by Robert Herrick

Whenas in silks my Julia goes,
Then, then, methinks, how sweetly flows
That liquefaction of her clothes.

Next, when I cast mine eyes and see
That brave vibration each way free,
Oh, how that glittering taketh me!
________________________________________________

Book recommendation:
The Collected Poems of John Donne (any version, there are many!)

Happy St. Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is just like any other day, just another Monday or Thursday or Saturday depending on the year. However, what makes Valentine's day and almost every other holiday out there special is the effect it has on people. Valentine's Day is probably the most hated and also most loved (cliche) holiday out there. But why hate a day that celebrates love? Valentine's Day is what you make it. Valentine's Day is your day to celebrate any type of love you want in any way you want to.

Who ever said a Valentine had to be a husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, lover, etc? A Valentine can be anyone near and dear to your heart. Who ever said you couldn't have more than one Valentine? I am lucky enough to have a few this year. You are never alone, which means you are never without a Valentine. Don't be shy, go ahead and call your mom or dad or best friend and let them know that on a day that celebrates love, you want them to know that you love them. Buy your cat that heart shaped cat nip toy or your dog that heart shaped bone - they need to know they are loved too.

Life is about choices. You can choose to hate Valentine's Day, ignore it, or embrace it. Is it commercialized? Absolutely. But who said you had to buy an expensive piece of jewelery or a card or candy and flowers? Make a card, write a little note, pick flowers, make dinner, just do something thoughtful for SOMEONE - it is good for your soul.

This morning when I went to buy my nephews a little Valentine's treat, the store was filled with exacerbated men shaking their head and sighing as they read through card after card. Don't put yourself through the stress. You know how you feel, write it down and give it to the person you're thinking about, or tell them to their face. It is not supposed to be a stressful holiday.

When I saw my nephews this morning, the two-year old looked at me from his booster seat and said all on his own (my sister translated) "Happy Valentine's Day Auntie." My face lit up and so did his. Everyone needs a little love in their lives every day, so why not spread around a little extra on February 14th.


The silver lining on Valentine's Day, if it is not your favorite day, is someone out there is thinking about you and loves you. I'm sure you're thinking about someone too. You have a Valentine even if you don't know it. If you are lucky enough to be with your Valentine this year, take the pressure off. Celebrate love not gifts. Celebrate time together.

The history of Valentine's Day...one legend at least, my favorite one that I found.

The history of Valentine's Day — and its patron saint — is shrouded in mystery. But we do know that February has long been a month of romance. St. Valentine's Day, as we know it today, contains vestiges of both Christian and ancient Roman tradition. So, who was Saint Valentine and how did he become associated with this ancient rite? Today, the Catholic Church recognizes at least three different saints named Valentine or Valentinus, all of whom were martyred.

One legend contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men — his crop of potential soldiers. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death.

http://www.history.com/topics/valentines-day

Book suggestion: The History of Love by Nicole Krauss