Committed to Massachusetts

This is a poem I wrote for an undergrad class, probably in 2007.  The poem reflects my thoughts, feelings and experiences working for MassEquality (Boston) in the summer of 2005 as a canvasser for equal marriage rights.  Massachusetts was the first state to legalize same-sex marriage and since then six tolerant and accepting states have followed suit (New Hampshire, Vermont, Connecticut, Iowa, New York and D.C.).  Canvassing for this cause was one of the most emotionally difficult things I have ever done. 

Committed to Massachusetts

They said sin while some said equality,
And both argued for our nation’s families.
They fought for rights in the face of
Those protecting the sanctity,
But all the while ignored
The essence of humanity.
Tolerance and understanding
Versus
Belief and faith.
Pin the tail on the scapegoat,
It’s not so easy now.
It’s not so easy now to condemn
A belief in support of your own.
It’s not so easy now to put your faith in a cause
Or replace a faith that is based on the Book
And living life right.
We fight with words and signs
And protests and glares.
We fight with insults and statistics
And argue over the logistics of a vote
That hangs in the balance for the rest
Of the nation to see.
What will their next move be,
Are they as afraid as we are to
Hear the outcome of another fight for civil rights.
Still, abroad we lose innocence day by day
Trying to cure the ways of a world gone mad,
And here we are thinking equal marriage is bad.
Who is making these decisions, who have we elected
To have such limited perspective.

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http://www.hrc.org/
http://www.now.org/issues/marriage/index.html

Knowledge, Belief and Desire Oh My!

Once again this is an assignment for my 17th Century Literature graduate class. Since I do not have ANY spare time at the moment to write on this blog, I figured this was as close to a free write as I am going to get before May. Interesting questions...

1. What is the MOST important question/knowledge in life? (In other words, if you knew the answer to THIS one question, you would be sure of how to live your life). Why is this question so important? What difference would the answer/knowledge make to you?

I am really terrible at making decisions and thus I am having a really hard time with this question. There are so many important questions in life that if I knew the answers, I think I could lead a more fulfilling life. Since I can only pick one, in my opinion, the most important question/knowledge in life is what is the root of evil (understood as full of rage, vengeful, full of hate). With so much natural tragedy in the world, why does there also need to be evilness? What causes people to be evil?  If I knew the answer to this question, I would be able to adapt better in the face of evilness. Right now, when I see an aspect of evilness it shakes my core; it dumbfounds me. If I knew the root of evilness, maybe I could help alleviate it, or at the very least I could better protect my emotional well being from it. If I knew the root of evilness, I could to some degree rationalize things that don’t seem possible to rationalize. Or I could dismiss evilness and evil people, without being troubled by the notion that there is a goodness within everyone.

2. What are some differences between seeing something and knowing something?

The obvious answer is God. You may not be able to physically see God, but many people believe they know He exists. There is the phrase, “I’ll believe it when I see it,” and for the most part my mind adheres to this concept. However, last night I was kept in my night class late, about ten minutes. While driving home, I realized I had just missed a six-car accident on route 81 North by about ten minutes. I drive that route home every night. Now one can chalk it up to coincidence or luck, but fate tugs at my spiritual heartstrings. Fate is not something you can see, but at times it is something I feel I know exists.  Knowing something that you cannot see often exists in the depths of your soul. You know it and believe it because you feel it. Seeing something is a more instant and structured belief, however, there are many instances where people misread and do not see things exactly as they appear.

3.a) Whom or what do you believe in? Another way of putting this question is “When your world is crumbling down around you, in whom or what do you put your faith or your trust in?” Be careful, here. If you say you have faith in nothing, I will then ask you how sure you are you of that claim? Obviously, if you say, “I’m pretty sure,” then you have faith in something: the truth that you are certain of nothing. In other words, to claim that you believe in nothing is logically self-defeating, and therefore non-defensible; everyone puts their trust or faith in some thing or one. What is that “something” or “someone” for you?

When I am going through a difficult time I often remind myself that good things happen to good people, but bad things do not happen only to bad people. I also remind myself that bad things do not last forever. If giving myself some degree of perspective does not seem to work, then I confide in my partner and my family for strength and reassurance that I am strong enough to overcome anything. I was always told by my college softball coach to “control the controllables.” This phrase gives me a sense of power and hope when I feel powerless and hopeless.

b) Now, try to explain what your certainty/sureness/faith/trust in this being/person/idea is based or built upon. What warrants (gives you reasons for) your belief or trust or faith?

My belief in the fact that good things happen to good people is based in logic. It makes sense to me that if you are a good person who does good things for others and tries to live an admirable life, then your life will generally be good. Over time I realize that more than anything else, living by this concept really just means that I am an optimist. My positive attitude is what keeps me believing in this concept. When something bad happens, I think about all the good things that have happened in my life and thus I affirm my belief that good things happen to good people. As far as my trust in my partner and family, well that is simply based in love. The unconditional love I feel for them and my desire to do and be absolutely anything they need, allows me to believe that this feeling is reciprocated. 

"Do all the good you can, in all the ways you can, to all the souls you can, in every place you can, at all the times you can, with all the zeal you can, as long as ever you can." ~ John Wesley

c) How sure are you of the object of your trust (how much faith do you have) on any given day? What factors affect your ability to believe/trust/have this faith? What could totally shatter your faith or trust? What could completely confirm it?

I am 100% sure in the object of my trust every day. The factors that affect my ability to trust my partner and family are based simply on the mutual love we have expressed for each other over time. Also, the actions of my partner and family in the past further cement my trust in them to continue to be there for me now and in the future. It would take something tremendous to shatter my trust and faith in the people I trust. I think if I was going through something incredibly difficult and expressed my need for their help and they abandoned me (for the simple fact of just not wanting to help), then my trust would be shaken, but not shattered. It would take more than an isolated incident to shatter my trust. My trust is confirmed every day when I think about my partner and family, and know that if I needed absolutely anything, emotional or physical support, I could call any of them and feel safe and taken care of. Again, the idea of being an optimist at heart plays strongly in this trust. 

"Confidence in the goodness of another is good proof of one's own goodness." ~ Michel de Montaigne 

4. a) What is your deepest desire? How is your life focused on achieving/realizing that desire? Explain.

My deepest desire is to find a balance of a fulfilling life in which I positively impact the lives of others. My life is focused on achieving my career goal of being a college field hockey coach and professor. Currently I am working on my master’s degree, while gaining valuable coaching experience as an assistant coach with one of the best field hockey programs in the country. I look to my former and current coaches and teachers as examples of the life I want to lead. Teachers and coaches profoundly affected me throughout my life. They taught me some of the most valuable lessons I will ever know and encouraged me to fulfill my dreams and give back. As a coach and teacher, I want to encourage personal growth, community involvement and an unselfish striving towards a better life for all people. I truly think I can achieve my goals of positively impacting others lives through my work as a coach and teacher. Similarly, my desire to help others and be a mentor inspires me to instill these characteristics in my family and hopefully one day my children. 

b) What, if anything, is the relationship between what you most deeply desire and what you have faith in? If there’s no relationship, how do you account for the disconnect between the two?

The relationship between my desire to impact people’s lives and my faith in the fact that good things happen to good people are directly related. I want to live the best life I can and by that I mean a life that is completely fulfilling for me and the people I interact with. I want to positively influence and be influenced by others. My desire to achieve and reach my career goals, which will put me in the place I want to be to help others, is a journey motivated by goodness. This idea of goodness is what I have faith in. I want to live life with the sense of paying it forward and allow goodness to become a wonderful, never-ending cycle in my lives and the lives I’ve been lucky enough to experience.

c) To what extent does the fulfillment of your desire depend on YOU? How much depends on factors/people/forces beyond your control?

The fulfillment of my desire depends on me more than anything or anyone else. If I put in the work and get good grades and take advantage of all the opportunities I can, I believe I will be able to be a strong candidate for a head coaching position at a college and someday a strong Ph.D candidate too. However, it is true that the admissions department at any given Ph.D program has the power to stop my desire in its tracks. Also, the job market and coaching vacancies when I graduate are beyond my control. Once I am in a full-time position I truly believe it is all up to me on how and to what degree I inspire others. Like I have said before, I can only control the controllables. I can control my work ethic, my dedication and determination. If I give everything I have, I trust good things will happen.

d) What if you fail to achieve/realize your deepest desire? What will failure mean to you?

Failure is not an option for me. If I do not become a college coach or professor I will not consider that a failure. I do not have to be a college coach or professor to influence and inspire people. I could be a high school teacher or start a non-profit or donate my time and money. The goal is to do something I love that inspires me and thus inspires others too. I think that I would be most happy coaching and teaching. I think coaching and teaching is a great avenue to inspire young adults. However, if that desire does not pan out for me, then I will direct my energy elsewhere. The only type of failure I can foresee for myself is not doing everything I absolutely could to make my desires happen. If I do not give it everything I have and expel goodness as I do it, then yes I have failed. I am in control of that though, so I will not let myself fail.

"Goodness is the only investment that never fails." ~ Henry David Thoreau
________________________________________________________________

Book recommendation:
Freakonomics by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner

*It will force you to at least consider how seemingly unrelated instances can in fact directly affect each other.

Carpe Diem: A Thought Provoking Contemplation on Death

In my graduate class, "17th Century Literature:  Sex, Death and Salvation," we are reading poetry from the late 1500's to through the mid 1600's. Currently we are reading poetry by the Cavalier poets (written mainly in the early to mid 1600's). Cavalier poets used direct language and imagery to express the idea of "Carpe Diem" (seize the day). "Their poetry tended to follow classical models of elegance, and was written in support of wine, women, and the carefree life."* With the theme of Carpe Diem permeating their poetry, the Cavalier poets must have a unique concept of life and what happens after death. The assignment I was given was to answer the following questions about death before reading the assigned poems for the week. I'm not sure what the connection with the poetry is yet, but I will find out. Below are the questions and answers.

 The silver lining about death is cliche; it makes you appreciate life. However, appreciating life is not cliche at all, in fact it is something people forget to do all the time. There is so much to appreciate and embrace in life on a daily basis if we take the time to slow down, look around and take it all in.

1.  What do you believe happens at death? (i.e. is death the end of personal existence? is there life after death? is life cyclical, as in reincarnation). What are your beliefs based on/grounded in?

I do not believe in life after death. I want to, but I just don’t right now. I believe everyone has one opportunity to live and when it ends, it is over. However, I do partake in letting myself think that people that have died still linger and “watch over us.” I sometimes find myself thinking that some of the people in my life that have died still have feelings and emotions. People say all the time “so and so” would have been proud of you, or happy for you, or whatever the case may be. I too think those same things sometimes. For me, those thoughts are merely comforts grounded in memories. It is the memories of the people that linger. It is the experiences and knowledge of the person who has died that allows me to think, they would have been happy or proud of me. Do I really think they can see what is happening? Unfortunately, I do not think so.

My beliefs were initially grounded in my exposure to religion early on in my life. My father grew up in a Protestant home, but he never expressed any religious beliefs to our immediate family. I don’t think he embraced religion at all and that maybe it was merely forced upon him as a child. My mother grew up in a large Catholic family. Her mother worked and sang in the church. My mother’s family attended Mass every Sunday. My mother, out of duty I think, raised us Catholic. My extended family went to Mass regularly and I would attend church with them when I would visit for vacations. However, my family rarely went to Church. My brothers and sister and I were baptized, christened and sent to CCD (Confraternity of Christian Doctrine), which was a Catholic youth education program in our town once a week. I often skipped out on it. I never went through with my confirmation. Since, my relationship with the Church has vacillated. I would go to Mass sometimes on my own during high school and early college. When a friend was killed by a drunk driver sophomore year of college, I stopped going to Mass altogether. I drifted far away from organized religion. The only time I step foot in church now is for weddings and funerals.

Since I have moved away from organized religion, I have also moved away from the notions of an after life in the form of Heaven, Hell and Purgatory. I guess over time the theory of evolution, and the notions of adaptation and biology have permeated my beliefs about life and death. Right now, I think of think of things tangibly. Evolution makes sense to me, and rings true for me and thus my understanding of it informs my beliefs about death. 

Through various life experiences and relationships with people both deeply invested in the Catholic Church and others who are not, I currently sit in a place where religion has no real place in my life. However, I am a spiritual person. I believe in doing good and being good to others. I believe in helping and extending yourself to those in need whenever possible. I believe that it is a human duty to be your best, do your best and give your best. The South African principle of ubuntu has guided me since the day I heard it. As Archbishop of South Africa, Desmond Tutu explains: 

"Ubuntu is a concept that we have in our Bantu languages at home. Ubuntu is the essence of being a person. It means that we are people through other people. We cannot be fully human alone. We are made for interdependence, we are made for family. When you have ubuntu, you embrace others. You are generous, compassionate. If the world had more ubuntu, we would not have war. We would not have this huge gap between the rich and the poor. You are rich so that you can make up what is lacking for others. You are powerful so that you can help the weak, just as a mother or father helps their children. This is God's dream."

Ultimately, I believe that if you are a good person then you will lead a good life worth celebrating when it is over. If you are a good person, you will live forever in the memories of those people you impacted along the way. I guess there is a sense of longing for immortality when I think about what happens after death. However, the only immortality I see is that of memories, but not even memories can last forever. 

2.  How frequently do you think of death? When you think of it, do you most often consider your own death or the death of others or both? How do these thoughts make you feel? If you haven’t spent much time thinking about death, why do you think that is?

I think of death often. I do a fair amount of considering my own death, but mainly I think a lot about the death of aging family members. When I think about my own death I get anxious. I feel like I can’t die yet because I have not even come close to fulfilling my dreams or my goals. What young person that has died was able to fulfill his or her dreams or goals though? Thinking about my own death, in some odd way motivates me. When I think about my death, I feel grounded and better in touch with what is really important to me. When I think about others dying, it is painful. I have felt that pain before and there is no way to prepare for it. Again, in some way, thinking about other’s deaths brings the important things in life back into focus. I try not to dwell on the pain it will cause and instead let it inspire me to make meaningful memories with all my loved ones every chance I get.

3.  If you had to personify Death, how would you do so? (What would death look like? Male? Female? Sexless? Beautiful? Horrifying? etc.)

I guess I have never thought about personifying Death before. Initially I go back to my Catholic upbringing and I associate Death more with a Satan figure than a heavenly figure. To me, Death is a thief. Often times, I think of Death as heartless and greedy. I do not think of Death as something scary, but instead something too powerful. The closest thing I can think of that would personify Death the way I see it is the Grim Reaper. I do not fear the Grim Reaper, but I hate it (not him or her).

4.  How well acquainted with death are you? Are you intimately acquainted? Strangers to each other? Casual acquaintances? Enemies? Friends? Summarize your attitude towards/relationship with death.

I would say I have a casual acquaintance with death. I have been lucky in the sense that I have not lost many people that I have been close to. However, I have seen many of my close friends and family loose people they are extremely close to. These experiences have brought me within a measured distance of the pain, anger and grief death brings. The loss of a high school friend still haunts me at times. I think about him often. I think about what he would be like now, what his life would be like and what our friendship would be like. I think I will always look at a death as an enemy and a thief.

5.  How prepared do you believe you are for your own death? The death of those close to you? What have you done/might you do you to make you feel more prepared?

I believe I am completely unprepared for my own death and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I am 25 years old. Preparing for my death at my age is morbid. I don’t have any savings or own any property. I don’t have any children, so there are none of those preparations to be made. As I get older and start a family, I will start making necessary preparations, but until then I like being unprepared.

I also feel completely unprepared for the death of people close to me. I try to tell myself that if someone close to me dies, I cannot let myself fall into a black hole of grief. I suppose I tell myself this because that is exactly what I think I will do. How do you know what you will do when someone really close to you dies, if you have not lost anyone really close to you before? For me, preparations are futile. Mental preparations and reminders may be comforting now and again, but I don’t think you can really prepare yourself for death (yours or someone else’s). The only way I can say that I have prepared for my death is through broad conversations with family and close friends. They know me and they will know what to do if I die. They will know what I want.

6.  Have you given any thought to your own funeral and disposal of your body? If so, what kinds of things have seemed important to you? If not, why not?

I have talked very broadly about my funeral and disposal of my body with my partner. We agree that you never know what can happen, so it is good to know what the other person wants. The problem is I don’t know what I want. Sometimes I think I want to be buried and other times I want to be cremated. Sometimes I feel vain and want a typical funeral filled with mourners and a headstone for people to visit. Deep down I think I want people to gather and celebrate my life at a party outdoors. I think I might want to be cremated and have my ashes spread at Lake Winnipesaukee in New Hampshire. I haven’t committed to either choice. It is important to me that people celebrate my life and not let grief consume their own lives. It is important to me that I am remembered for being a good daughter, sister, friend and partner. I don’t need a legacy, but I want to hold a special place in special people’s hearts. How people choose to deal with my death is personal, but I can only hope that when it is all said in done, my life inspired them a little bit. When they think of me, I want them to smile and I want the memories to bring them comfort.

* (http://www.humanitiesweb.org/human.php?s=l&p=i&a=l&ID=9)

Upon Julia's Clothes by Robert Herrick

Whenas in silks my Julia goes,
Then, then, methinks, how sweetly flows
That liquefaction of her clothes.

Next, when I cast mine eyes and see
That brave vibration each way free,
Oh, how that glittering taketh me!
________________________________________________

Book recommendation:
The Collected Poems of John Donne (any version, there are many!)

Happy St. Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is just like any other day, just another Monday or Thursday or Saturday depending on the year. However, what makes Valentine's day and almost every other holiday out there special is the effect it has on people. Valentine's Day is probably the most hated and also most loved (cliche) holiday out there. But why hate a day that celebrates love? Valentine's Day is what you make it. Valentine's Day is your day to celebrate any type of love you want in any way you want to.

Who ever said a Valentine had to be a husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, lover, etc? A Valentine can be anyone near and dear to your heart. Who ever said you couldn't have more than one Valentine? I am lucky enough to have a few this year. You are never alone, which means you are never without a Valentine. Don't be shy, go ahead and call your mom or dad or best friend and let them know that on a day that celebrates love, you want them to know that you love them. Buy your cat that heart shaped cat nip toy or your dog that heart shaped bone - they need to know they are loved too.

Life is about choices. You can choose to hate Valentine's Day, ignore it, or embrace it. Is it commercialized? Absolutely. But who said you had to buy an expensive piece of jewelery or a card or candy and flowers? Make a card, write a little note, pick flowers, make dinner, just do something thoughtful for SOMEONE - it is good for your soul.

This morning when I went to buy my nephews a little Valentine's treat, the store was filled with exacerbated men shaking their head and sighing as they read through card after card. Don't put yourself through the stress. You know how you feel, write it down and give it to the person you're thinking about, or tell them to their face. It is not supposed to be a stressful holiday.

When I saw my nephews this morning, the two-year old looked at me from his booster seat and said all on his own (my sister translated) "Happy Valentine's Day Auntie." My face lit up and so did his. Everyone needs a little love in their lives every day, so why not spread around a little extra on February 14th.


The silver lining on Valentine's Day, if it is not your favorite day, is someone out there is thinking about you and loves you. I'm sure you're thinking about someone too. You have a Valentine even if you don't know it. If you are lucky enough to be with your Valentine this year, take the pressure off. Celebrate love not gifts. Celebrate time together.

The history of Valentine's Day...one legend at least, my favorite one that I found.

The history of Valentine's Day — and its patron saint — is shrouded in mystery. But we do know that February has long been a month of romance. St. Valentine's Day, as we know it today, contains vestiges of both Christian and ancient Roman tradition. So, who was Saint Valentine and how did he become associated with this ancient rite? Today, the Catholic Church recognizes at least three different saints named Valentine or Valentinus, all of whom were martyred.

One legend contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men — his crop of potential soldiers. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death.

http://www.history.com/topics/valentines-day

Book suggestion: The History of Love by Nicole Krauss