Silver Lining Lessons: March 2013

Is achieving your dream life's greatest individual goal? Your dream might be a husband, two kids, a white picket fence and a dog named Sparky. Your dream might revolve around the number of digits in your paycheck or the number of houses with your name on the mortgage. Your dream might look like smiling faces of kids in your classroom or spending each day outside in the natural world and calling it "work." Whatever your dream is, can you ever really achieve it? Is the journey ever really over or does the "dream" continue to transform, grow and stay at arm's length?

My "dream" has always had many layers. When I was younger I wanted to be a marine biologist, a professional athlete (the first woman in the NBA), a doctor, a non-profit CEO, a high school English teacher, a college professor, and a writer among many other occupations. As an "adult" I set my sights on becoming a college field hockey coach although somewhere inside me still lives the writer, philanthropist and teacher. Many of my earlier occupation dreams crossed themselves off the list as I grew up. I would never become a marine biologist because I realized I was creeped out by "deep water". I would get anxious and sometimes still do when I jump off the "back" of the raft at my grandparents' house on Lake Winnipesaukee (the water is probably 8 feet deep). I was an above average athlete at an average high school, whic made me an average college athlete like thousands of other former "above average" high school athletes. I fainted at the sight of blood and closed my eyes at gory sights in movies and on TV. I tried working in a cubicle at arguably one of the coolest workplaces in Massachusetts, but I could not stay boxed in. I am not a CEO of a non-profit organization nor do I aspire to be, but I do volunteer at the local food pantry and constantly try to stay invovled in the community. I am not a high school English teacher, but I still toy with the idea of being an English tutor. I also find myself editing friends' papers and grad school applications as well as helping to creat resumes and cover letters. Currently, these blog posts are the extent of my creative writing outlet at the moment, but I still have high hopes for myself in this area. I have my Master's Degree and often I think about being an adjunt professor in Introduction to Writing or some other etnery level, core literature class at a local community college. What I am is a college field hockey coach. So why, when I seemingly have every opportunity at my fingertips and almost everything I have worked towards during the last 5 years, do I still feel the pull of a different reality, a similar dream, but a different, unreachable one?

A quick Google search of Satisfaction states that satisfaction is, "The fulfillment or gratification of a desire, need, or appetite." Why am I not satisfied? Is it because I am a coach who instills in her players that they should never be satisfied. Never settle or become complacent. Always work towards a bigger goal. You are capable of more than you think and you should strive for it. These are all things I tell my players over and over again. My coaches told me the same things. Does anyone out there feel satisfied? Should we?

Right now, I picture a small, fluffy, adorable, albeit brainless hamster running as fast as he or she can on a never ending wheel set up inside my brain. The faster the hampster runs the more tired it will get. However, its quicnkess and determination will not affect its progress. Are lateral moves or promotions just part of a bigger spinning wheel that humans continue to run on at varying speeds and effort levels? There are people in the world that are satisified. Have these people grown complacent or have they found a way to beat the cylcical pattern that is duty, happiness and lifestyle?

As I ponder the future, I can only hope that my ambition will one day be tempered with a fullfilling sense of satisfaction with the things I have accomplished and continue to accomplish on a daily basis. Until then, I will join hundreds of thousands of others who try to outrun the wheel each day and hopefully, more often than not, I might hop off the wheel, take a deep, satisfactory breath and take it all in.

STOP AND SMELL THE ROSES

While I have not read this yet, it came highly recommended from a fellow coach:

That's Outside My Boat: Letting Go of What You Can't Control by Charlie Jones and Kim Doren

Song/Video:

Van Morrison - Days Like This

One of my favorite quotes of all time is one that reflects the innermost soul of any human being, which is the need for family. As I continue to age and experience the complexities, joys, heartaches and overall unexpected nature of "family" relationships, I feel my need (not to be confused with an equally strong desire) for family intensifies and grows immeasurably.

"Our most basic instinct is not for survival, but for family. Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted." ~Dr. Paul Pearshall (http://www.paulpearsall.com/info/about.html)

The past 18 months have been filled with many family challenges that have both directly and indirectly affected me. However, through it all, a burning desire to strengthen the bonds I have with my nuclear family, extended family and "in-laws" continues to grow.

In the face of adversity, I saw my mother rise to the challenge both physically and mentally. Her strength, courage and resilience inspired me then, and will stay with me forever. Although I do not think she will ever understand her own strength and worth, I will never question it or take it for granted.

During this same time period, I was blessed to witness the power of innocence. The birth of my first niece was therapeutic. Her arrival into the family came at the perfect moment and she seemed to be the final piece of the puzzle. She was a vision of hope and strength for everyone, but especially for her Nana.

This was not the only trying time for the matriarch of the family during the past 18 months. As a family, we once again came together in support of the woman that has always supported us. During those difficult weeks, previously dormant bonds came alive and notoriously thin bonds grew thicker. Communication opened doors to places that were painful, but also necessary for everyone to be able to share their unconditional love for each other. Relationships were also put to the test and those relationships emerged with a renewed strength and spirit. .

More recently, I witnessed a family, one that I consider my own, deal with the struggle of coming to terms with one of life's most complex moments - death. The death of a family member is always tragic, but it can sometimes be even more difficult when the relationships between survivors and the deceased are nothing short of complicated. Those who had relationships with the man faced a volatile mixture of love, regret, disappointment, anger, sadness and an unbearable weight of those things left unsaid. I watched as this family's mixed emotions took hold of otherwise dazed and dormant bodies and minds. There was laughter at old videos, nostalgia at sepia toned photographs and tears for all that was and was not. When the bugle sounded it's final note of Taps and the American flag was meticulously folded and presented to the family, my heart filled with emotion for the life of a man that never knew what he truly had, and for the family he left behind. That family will be left to live amongst the memories, hopes and failed reconciliations and strive to find peace amongst it all.

Presently, the organic nature of life continues, as it always will, in constant motion. Life does not wait for you to be ready and it does not provide any time-outs. The motion of life inherently makes memories and moments fleeting. There is worth and warmth to past memories, but it is in the present struggles and joys that life is happening all around us. The bonds we make in our lives can become impenetrable. During the past two weeks, I was able to celebrate the organic life in the moments I shared with my family. I soaked it all in as a means of filling myself with their love and life to sustain my need for family while we are apart.

I come back to Dr. Paul Pearshall's words, "Our most basic instinct is not for survival, but for family. Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted." The single most tragic mistake one can make is taking one's family for granted.

Although life often keeps us away from loved ones for longer than we all would like, we alone are in control of how we stay togehter when we are a part. In 2006, I chose to get my first and only tattoo so far. I chose to have the word "Ubuntu" permanently inked onto my skin because it is a constant reminder to me to simply be a good human.

“Ubuntu [...] speaks of the very essence of being human. [We] say [...] "Hey, so-and-so has ubuntu." Then you are generous, you are hospitable, you are friendly and caring and compassionate. You share what you have. It is to say, "My humanity is caught up, is inextricably bound up, in yours." We belong in a bundle of life. We say, "A person is a person through other persons. [...] A person with ubuntu is open and available to others, affirming of others, does not feel threatened that others are able and good, for he or she has a proper self-assurance that comes from knowing that he or she belongs in a greater whole and is diminished when others are humiliated or diminished, when others are tortured or oppressed, or treated as if they were less than who they are.” - Archbishop Desmond Tutu

Embrace the bonds. Live the pain. Celebrate the joy. Make it yours, all of it.